


rogue planets

by dreaminglows



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: ALSO it's not very graphic but there are scenes with violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, HEAVY TW mentions of self-harm and there's also homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, lots of space references and i mean a LOT, please read the tags im begging, soobin is a mess but taehyun loves him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreaminglows/pseuds/dreaminglows
Summary: Where do we go when we fall out of orbit?(Or, whenever Soobin feels like he's floating in space, Taehyun is always there to keep him grounded.)
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73
Collections: TXT Secret Santa Fic Fest 2020





	rogue planets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bijouu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bijouu/gifts).



> **Prompt #75:** _Words that changed my life._
> 
> hi bijou!  
> ok so when i first saw this prompt i WANTED to write a free! inspired swimmers au at first. [deep inhale] this is nowhere near that at all.  
> this is actually an old work of mine i've published a few years ago so it might be familiar with some people who have read it before and stumbled upon it again in the txt ficdom, but during the time i posted this before, i wasn't very proud of it at all. so when i went through this prompt again, it reminded me of that work and i decided it would work well with this too, and maybe i can finally put a little justice to that one if i picked it up again.
> 
> this was supposed to be a gift fic but it turned very self-indulgent instead im so sorry TT but i do hope you enjoy it and i know this isn't probably what you expected this prompt to turn out,,, probably a Lot heavier but i hope it's still worth the read.

> **Rogue planets (n.)**
> 
> **1\. Celestial bodies the size of a planet that doesn’t orbit around a star.**
> 
> **2\. Lonely worlds without a home.**

Soobin dreams of chasing a star across the universe. 

It starts there. He dreams of a star, so he draws pictures of space, black and blue and purple, oil pastels smudging on paper. He dreams of a star so he dreams of a rocketship too, in white and red, one built just for him.

In this dream, Soobin is an astronaut and he could venture in space forever. 

“Where will you go?” his mother asks one evening, drinking her afternoon tea in the front porch while Soobin scribbles on paper over and over, an astronaut inside a rocketship holding a star in his hands. “When you fly off to space, where will you go?”

“Anywhere,” he looks up at her, eyes big and twinkling. “Any planet where I can hold the stars in my hands. I’ll be there.”

Soobin is seven, and he thinks the stars are beautiful and his rocket could run forever, and ever, and ever.

“I don’t think anyone can hold the stars in their hands, honey,” she chuckles, ruffling his hair. “You’ll get burned when you do.”

Soobin frowns, looks at his hands, and then back at her. “Will it hurt?”

“It will. A lot,” his mother tells him gently. “Stars are only meant to be looked at, after all.”

Soobin looks back down on his drawing, space in black and blue and purple, his rocketship white and red. “What about the moon? Can I hold the moon?”

“The moon is too big for you to hold,” she tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “But you can land on the moon and touch it and watch the stars from up there much closer.”

“I can see the stars closer there?” he looks at her, eyes wider, twinkling brighter. “Can I go to the moon?”

She smiles at him, “Of course. I’m sure the moon will welcome you happily and ask to see the stars together.”

Soobin smiles, big and full. He picks up a white crayon, one big circle in the space of black and blue and purple, surrounded by hundreds and thousands of twinkling, bright stars.

It starts there. Soobin dreams of a rocketship going to the moon so he can see the stars up close.

  
  
  
  


Soobin is twelve when his rocketship breaks and runs out of fuel.

The funeral had been awful. Everyone wore black and white, and the rain never stopped pouring outside. The sky was a never-ending shade of gray, like smoke hanging in the air.

“It was an accident,” he hears his aunts say, explaining when people ask but they always look at him with doubt, questioning.

_Was it really?_

He hears them. They don’t speak, but he hears them.

He hears a lot of things. Things that aren’t pleasant or pretty. Things he would never hear if that night never happened, and he knows it’s his fault. Everything is his fault and he deserves to hear all these bad things, but he still wishes they would stop being so _loud_.

Nobody speaks when they lower his family’s caskets but everyone is staring, and their eyes scream loud enough to shatter glass.

_It was you._

_It was you. It was you. It was you. It was you. It was you._

Soobin is twelve, and he doesn’t have a rocketship and he is not an astronaut. He is twelve when he realizes that’s not how this story goes.

He remembers the books in the school library, of space and the cosmos and the universe. 

There are planets. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Pluto was once, too, until 2006. He knows this. They learned this in Science class.

This is what he learned on his own: there’s more than eight of them. There are other planets, in other solar systems, in other galaxies. Some orbit around stars, standing big and tall.

And then there are those who just drift away, wandering endlessly in space alone. No star to orbit around.

Soobin is twelve, and he thinks this is why he never catches shooting stars at night. 

He’s just a rogue planet and they aren’t his to hold. He loses his rocketship and falls out of orbit on the night everything went wrong.

Soobin is a rogue planet and he wanders space, black and blue and purple, alone.

Soobin is twelve, and has never felt lonelier.

  
  


“Does he not have other relatives?”

“They,” Sister sighs, like she’s the one who’s sorry instead. “They don’t want him. I don’t think the environment is good for him either. It’s better here. Safer.”

Father looks at him, eyes apologizing. “Poor boy.”

Soobin can no longer count how many times he has seen eyes the same as his. They console him in a way; they’re better than the eyes that doubt and accuse him of things he never meant to do.

Father kneels in front of him, trying to catch his eyes. Soobin avoids.

“Hey, Soobin-ah,” he tells him. “It’ll be okay. We’re here now. We’re your family now, okay?”

Soobin doesn’t respond, just stares at his shoes. They’re worn out now.

“He doesn’t talk much,” Sister says. She still sounds sorry.

“That’s alright,” he stands up, pats his shoulder gently. “Everything takes time after all.”

Father holds his hand; it’s so much bigger than his. He holds his hand and opens the doors to the cathedral. 

The sun shines bright, rays of light falling into place, painting the room golden. And he’s forgotten what pretty and pleasant sound like, but they must be like this: a piano playing a sweet melody, the sound of unhindered laughter and a voice so soft and delicate Soobin is afraid it’ll break the moment he looks.

“Father, who’s this?”

Soobin braves himself to look up anyway. 

What he notices first are his teeth. Wide and full.

The boy smiles at him, warm and kind, and he thinks this is what pretty and pleasant would look like if they had a face too.

Rogue planets encounter rogue comets sometimes. They’re the same, in a way. Both wanderers.

Soobin is a rogue planet, and this is how he encounters one: at the orphanage. He is twelve, and he is ten. The other boy is shorter, smaller, and his eyes twinkle in the way a shooting star passing the sky would look like when they want you to acknowledge their presence. That they’re here; they’re coming.

The boy smiling at him wide is a comet, both rough and shining. Soobin lets himself stare in wonder. It’s a pretty view.

“Woah, new kid?” he hears another voice from behind the boy. And another one, and one more. 

There are four kids in front of him now, all seemingly his age, eyes on him, curious and wondering.

Soobin holds on to Father’s hand tighter.

“Oh, kids,” the priest greets the other boys, gently pulling Soobin forward. “We have a new addition to the family now. Come on, Soobin, introduce yourself,” he says, patting his shoulder.

Soobin has always been wary of strangers even as a kid. His parents and friends used to call him a quiet child, different from the rest as he would usually just sit by the swings alone, sketchpad on his lap, and observe all the kids who were running around the playground. They’d ask him what’s up, but all he’d do was nod.

So when Father taps him by the shoulder again, Soobin hides behind him and latches onto the hem of his top while shaking his head.

“Oh, seems like Soobinie is shy,” the priest chuckles. He turns to the other boys again. “Why don’t you kids introduce yourself to him then? It would be great if you guys would get along.”

“Sure! Me first,” Comet boy, his mind fills in temporarily, volunteers giddily, raising both of his arms. He turns his gaze back on Soobin and gives another ear-to-ear grin. “Hello there! My name is Taehyun. Kang Taehyun. I’m ten years old. Let’s be friends, Soobin hyung!”

Soobin stares at the hand outstretched in front of him. He knows Taehyun is waiting for him to give back a greeting too, or a nod, or a smile, or any form of response, but when Soobin looks up from his hand to Taehyun’s bright smiling face, he blanks out.

Instead of a ‘hello’, Soobin splutters a quiet ‘Pretty.’

There’s a short pause, the other three boys just blinking at him in confusion while Taehyun just stares.

He stares, and stares, and stares until Soobin feels his ears burn. He closes his eyes in embarrassment.

_Do boys even call other boys pretty too?_

But Taehyun just laughs, light and warm and grateful. He smiles at him again, and it catches Soobin off-guard for a second stretching to almost a minute.

“Nobody has called me pretty before,” he tilts his head to the side, eyes wonderstruck. “Thank you, Soobin hyung.”

Soobin stares at him, mouth agape. Taehyun is still smiling.

It reminds him of a portrait back in his grandmother’s place. The sunflowers standing tall as they face the sun, the green meadows dancing along to the wind, and the bright blue horizon that spreads above him on a summer morning. Soobin has always found that portrait beautiful. He thinks Taehyun’s smile is the same kind of pretty as that portrait.

Soobin wants to call him pretty again. Again and again and again.

“You guys introduce yourselves too!” Taehyun tells the other three boys behind him, who must have only realized then that they have gone quiet for quite a while now.

The tallest of the three steps forward, but he’s not any taller than Soobin. He has unruly hair, a hoop on one ear, and grins like a Cheshire cat. 

“Hey Soobinie. My name is Yeonjun. I’m the eldest here, thirteen this year. You can come to me anytime if you need any help,” he says with a light laugh. “We think you’re pretty too.”

Soobin just blushes at the comment.

“Yup, yup. Definitely pretty,” the second boy agrees, a little shorter and smaller in build but not smaller than Taehyun. He has a round face and long eyelashes, Soobin notes. 

“I’m Beomgyu, eleven. Let’s be great friends, Soobinie,” the boy, Beomgyu, introduces and then pulls the third boy by the arm who nearly trips on his feet, looking a lot shyer and quieter compared to the other two. “And this is Kai. He’s the youngest, and gets a little weird sometimes.”

“Beomgyu hyung, why would you say that?” Kai whines, dark curls bouncing on his head. He turns to Soobin shyly, “Nice to meet you, Soobin hyung. Don’t listen to Beomgyu hyung. He’s mean.”

“Ya! Who are you calling mean, huh?” Beomgyu demands.

“You deserve to be called mean after you ate my sandwich this morning,” Kai counters back, pouting.

“I literally asked you! You said it was okay!”

“Beomgyu stealing a little kid’s lunch,” Yeonjun tsks, teasing. “You’re terrible.”

Beomgyu glares, “Shut up, hyung. You’re an idiot.”

“Ya! Who are you calling an idiot, huh? Which one of us got two out of ten in yesterday’s math test?”

They continue bickering like that, almost forgetting that they’re not the only ones in the room.

It’s harmless banter but the three sync with each other so well despite that, is what Soobin catches on. Like a solar system. Beomgyu is Venus, bright and burning. Yeonjun is the Earth, a lot more grounded. Kai is the sun, whom everyone revolves around in.

“Alright, alright, enough arguing,” Taehyun eventually butts in, flicking Beomgyu in the forehead. “Before one of you gets hurt. _Again_ ,” he squints at Beomgyu who just avoids his eyes, whistling.

And Taehyun is the comet that comes and goes. This is a solar system. This is already a set picture.

Soobin is a rogue planet. He repeats in his head, to himself. He’s not really a part of this picture.

“Well, okay. Now that you’ve been acquainted, I’ll leave you kids be for now and help the sisters with preparing lunch,” Father says, announcing his leave. “Why don’t you all go out to the playground first with Soobin and show him around while waiting for the food to be ready?”

“Okay, Father!” Yeonjun immediately answers for the group.

The priest pats Soobin on the back before heading back towards the door where they had entered earlier. Soobin immediately feels all four pairs of eyes on him the moment he’s out of the cathedral, and before he could even say anything, Taehyun takes his hand in his. 

“Let’s go?” he tells him, suggesting, the smile never disappearing. 

The three other boys walk ahead, while the two of them lag behind, with Taehyun pulling Soobin by the hand. 

“Don’t let go of my hand, okay?,” he says. “You might get lost.” 

Soobin just nods, awkwardly intertwines their fingers together. Taehyun chuckles and tightens his hold. 

“Taehyun is so funny,” they hear Beomgyu say in front of them, laughing. “He says ‘don’t get lost’ but he’s literally the one who clings to people because he has _no_ sense of direction whatsoever.”

Taehyun glares at him, “Shut up, hyung.”

“You’ll end up getting lost too if you’re with him, Soobinie,” Beomgyu teases, shaking his head.

“At least we’ll be lost together,” Taehyun simply says, not letting go of his hand. He turns to Soobin, smile like a comet in the sky. Burning, forces you to look. “Right, hyung?”

Soobin just nods, always having been quiet. He doesn’t let go of his hand either.

When they reach the playground. When Yeonjun suggested to play tag, or when Beomgyu had wanted to play hide and seek. Taehyun doesn’t let go of his hand.

Rogue planets encounter rogue comets sometimes. 

Taehyun doesn’t let go of his hand, and Soobin doesn’t mind. He doesn’t want him to.

Soobin is twelve and he catches a shooting star with his hand for the very first time.

(It takes a while for Soobin to adjust to the new environment, but he manages his way somehow.

The solar system is already a set picture, but he befriends the other boys still. Taehyun is a comet that comes and goes, so he drifts the closest to Soobin. They’re a lot more similar than he thinks.

Rogue planets, comets. Wanderers of interstellar space.

Soobin does a lot of wandering in his mind at night. The space is black and blue and purple, but he no longer has a rocket ship. He just drifts in a never-ending abyss.

Sometimes, he dreams of his parents. Sometimes, he’d be flooded with nightmares of the huge fire that had engulfed his home and had taken them away from him. The memory is clear at the back of his head, like a roll of film that never burns out.

He remembers how his father had pushed him out of the way just to save him from getting crushed by burning wood, and how his mother went back inside the house even when it was already toppling down in flames just to go back to his little sister who he had forgotten to take along with him. 

Sometimes, Soobin would cry in the middle of the night, a pillow on his face to muffle the sounds, but Taehyun always knows. He would always climb down from his side of the double-decker bed they both share and slide next to Soobin during those nights. 

He never says anything. He would simply snuggle a little closer to him, arm on Soobin’s waist and face nuzzled on his shoulder, but Soobin has never felt safer than in that moment.)

  
  
  
  


Soobin is sixteen and stops dreaming of space.

It’s been a little over four years, but he’s never really gotten out of the dark. Days stretching to weeks, then to months, then to years. It’s been a four-year long dark night, and he’s grown to hate the way his mind wanders to places he doesn’t want to be in when he closes his eyes. 

Space is an empty pitch-black abyss, and Soobin is a rogue planet who is constantly drifting. But every single day, it just feels more like he’s drowning instead.

It’s eleven in the evening, and almost everyone has either fallen asleep or is getting ready for bed.

He stares at the blade on his hand, the silver metal glistening under the light from the small bulb that solely illuminates the bathroom. It’s light as a feather that it’s haunting.

Soobin takes in a deep breath.

All he has to do is let that blade sink into his skin, not deep enough to kill him but painful enough to help him forget the bigger problems for a little while. A temporary pain to cover up a wound that will never heal, even if it’s just for a moment.

He looks up from his hand to the mirror, his tired reflection staring right back at him. He laughs to himself.

How many times has he been called pretty? Good-looking? Breathtakingly beautiful? The people in the church, the orphanage, in school, all of them have only ever called him such pretty things.

Soobin stares at the mirror. There is nothing pretty here, or here, or even here. That’s not what stares back at him from the mirror.

The boy looking back at him isn’t pretty, or good-looking, or breathtakingly beautiful. No, Soobin is looking straight into dead, dark eyes— the eyes of a beast, of a murderer. 

This is the fate of a rogue planet. Haunted over and over and over.

The voices of his relatives echo in his head, haunting him, suffocating him. 

_"Soobin, you killed them."_

_No, I didn't_ , he mutters under his breath, his hands shaking. 

_"It was you who had lit up that candle. It was you who had dropped it. It was you."_

_I didn't mean it._

_"Yet you're here, still alive, while they're six feet under the ground. You're alive while they're dead when it was your fault."_

"I'm sorry," Soobin breathes heavily, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. _I'm sorry._ " 

"Soobin hyung?" he hears a voice after a faint knock on the door, but it’s enough to startle him and drop the small blade he was holding down the sink's drain. 

Soobin only realizes then that he had been crying, his face damp and his eyes blinking tears that haven't dried up yet. He quickly turns on the faucet and splashes cold water against his tear-strained face before opening the door and coming face to face with the one boy who has stopped him from drifting farther and farther away. His own little gravitational field.

"Taehyun," Soobin calls out softly. 

Taehyun looks at him worriedly. Soobin catches the brief moment his eyes land on his wrists before turning his gaze back at his face. He chooses not to comment about that.

"I heard a few of your relatives came today," he says instead. “Are they taking you with them? Are you leaving?”

He sees the fear and worry mixing in Taehyun’s eyes, like he’s afraid of watching Soobin go, of Soobin possibly leaving him. 

_It’s nice._ Soobin thinks. It’s a nice, warm, tingling kind of feeling. Like the feeling of being wanted.

He chuckles, ruffling his hair. "They don't want me, so don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." 

It was true. His relatives had come to visit today, trying to check up on how he had been coping for the past four years, but the visit wasn’t warm or friendly or even just a little bit familial. They had looked at him like how anyone would at a criminal, a _monster_. The priest had asked them if they were adopting him since they’re family anyway, but they reasoned that they were leaving the country soon and it would be better if Soobin stayed instead. 

Soobin tries to act indifferent, even when he knows they’re lying. They don’t even have enough money to send their children to college, what more for plane tickets to leave the country. They could’ve just told him they didn’t want him, that nobody would ever want to be near a monster like him. 

But a part of him is glad that they wouldn’t take him, because Soobin doesn’t want to leave. 

If Taehyun wants him to stay, then he’ll stay. 

Taehyun sighs in relief, before looking back at Soobin again with that same warm smile he’s never gonna get tired of. "I'm glad. I know it's selfish thinking, but I can't help but be happy that you're staying." 

"Well, I would honestly be upset if you actually want me gone, so thank you for being selfish," Soobin smiles back. 

"You should do that more often," Taehyun mutters, eyes locked on him as if he’s in a daze. 

Soobin blinks in confusion, "Do what more often?" 

Taehyun cups his face with both of his hands, before placing both of his thumbs on the opposite corners of Soobin’s lips and lifting them up. He laughs, "Smile often. You look the best when you're smiling, so it's a pity not to show it. You have such a beautiful smile, hyung." 

Soobin looks at him.

Here was the boy with the smile as magnetizing as that of a comet in the sky, as warm as sunflowers in a meadow on a summer afternoon, telling him his smile is beautiful. He thinks he’s too kind.

"You should see yourself," Soobin couldn't help but say, whispering, like a little secret tucked in the air.

"What?" Taehyun turns to him questioningly, but Soobin just smiles and shakes his head. 

"It's nothing." 

"Oh. Oh, okay.”

There's a short pause, none of them saying anything for a while. It stretches to a length that’s awkward enough until Taehyun breaks it when he asks him hesitantly, "You’re okay, right?” 

Soobin doesn’t say anything for a moment. 

Okay could mean a lot of things, but Soobin thinks he’s neither any of those.

He knows he’s not okay. He knows he’ll probably never be okay. There’s a deep wound somewhere inside him that wouldn’t close anytime soon, and if it did, it’s gonna leave a bruise, a big ugly bruise that’s never gonna fade even over time, because that’s just how the past is. 

It leaves a mark. The uglier, the bigger.

No matter how hard you try to push it back, it’s gonna come back to haunt you again and again and again. You just can’t simply escape it. Soobin can’t ever escape his past. Space is an empty never-ending abyss and Soobin is forever wandering into nothingness.

He feels Taehyun’s hand in his, always having been a lot smaller in comparison, finger calloused.

A thumbstroke. He already knows what Soobin is feeling even without words.

“It’ll be fine. Everything’s gonna be fine,” Taehyun tells him, and that was all that Soobin needed. 

A memory plays at the back of his head every waking moment of his life, haunting, a roll of film that will never burn out. The film is long, seemingly endless. Soobin tries to wait for the end.

Soobin is sixteen and stops dreaming of space.

He dreams of earth instead. In the _here_ , in the _now_ in front of him.

Taehyun is a comet, bright and burning, forces you to look and Soobin watches him from earth. 

He’s not really on earth. There’s still an expanse of pitch black in front of him wherever he looks, but Soobin makes do. He dreams.

(Taehyun had slept beside him that night. He always does whenever he feels like Soobin is more troubled than usual. Everytime he does and whenever Soobin is already fast asleep, he checks his wrists and sighs in relief whenever he sees them untouched. 

Taehyun knows. He watches, he always watches.

Rogue planets encounter rogue comets sometimes. They’re similar in a way.

What happens to rogue comets when they decide to stay?)

  
  
  
  


Soobin is eighteen and wonders about the moon.

The sky is bright and blue, the clouds are present but he can see the moon from here, tucked in the corner. Watching, always watching.

He misses it, the moon. It feels like missing an old friend. A friend from the good old days, from when Soobin was an astronaut with a rocketship that’s white and red that flies forever, and ever, and ever, endlessly into space, chasing stars across the universe.

_I’m sure the moon will welcome you happily and ask to see the stars together._

“Will it really?” Soobin asks into the air, and then winces when he feels a sting, harsh and biting. He doesn’t move from where he lies, back against the rough asphalt.

Soobin is a rogue planet made of paper, skin painted in hues of black and blue and purple, like space.

Bruises are uglier than space though. Space doesn’t come with a possible broken rib and a cut lip either.

He sits up slowly, his uniform shirt a bit ragged and torn on the cuffs, and the buttons have come undone. His palms sting as they scratch past a pebble as he tries to lift his hand up, but he lets it be. He lets everything be. 

_A boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut_ , a voice in his head says, along with words like scum, and murderer, and monster that seem to echo in his head over and over, some days louder and some days quieter but they’re in there still.

Words that seem to eat him from within, no matter how hard he tries to get them out of his system. Everybody now looks at him, refers to him as that one boy who could’ve been great, if he hadn’t been the cause of all the misfortune that had befallen his family and is now apparently a scum to society all because he had accidentally confessed he prefers kissing boys more than girls. 

The film is never-ending. It rolls, and rolls, and rolls. Soobin just wants it to end. 

He closes his eyes. 

Soobin is a rogue planet. He’s drifting across space with no direction because he’s never enough.

He’s just tired of it. He’s tired of how he always has to be limited to the thoughts of other people, tired of how he just lets what other people think of him define him. He’s tired of it, but he can’t do anything about it, so he just lets it be instead. 

“Soobin hyung?” He opens his eyes and they land on Taehyun’s own, big and magnetizing. The boy is crouched down beside him. 

“Are you hurt? What happened to you?” 

_I told the class I’m gay and they punched me in the face_ , Soobin thinks but he doesn’t say that. 

Instead, in a hoarse voice, he tells him, “I was told to clean up here as punishment for that fight I got caught up in the other day. I slipped.” 

“Don’t lie to me.” 

“I’m not lying.” 

“Soobin hyung.” 

It’s six in the evening. The sky is painted indigo, with thousands of stars dotting it like they called their friends tonight for a special occasion, and Taehyun is kneeling here beside him under the moonlight, looking far more beautiful than any evening view could possibly look, even when his face is scrunched up with worry like this. 

_I think I like you_ , it rings. In his head, over and over and over. But he doesn’t say it.

Soobin thinks his big crush would spill out on its own by how he can’t seem to find it in him to look away. 

Because Taehyun is just too beautiful, and Soobin likes boys, and Taehyun is a beautiful boy, and Soobin has only really liked one boy in this lifetime. 

Taehyun is the only boy Soobin had ever liked. 

It’s the kind of liking similar to what pretty and pleasant would be like if they were a feeling. It feels warmer, and brighter, and comforting, like the moon in the sky when the lights go out. It’s nice. It’s a very nice feeling. 

Soobin has never seen a shooting star so he doesn’t know what they look like, so he mistakes him for a comet over and over and over.

But Taehyun is the moon. He’s bright, and beautiful, and full, like here. Like this.

He’s been watching the moon all this time.

Soobin is a rogue planet, and Taehyun is the moon.

Rogue planets encounter rogue comets, but comets only come and go. Rogue planets don’t orbit over a star, but moons orbit over rogue planets. Watching, and watching, and watching.

Taehyun looks at him with eyes big and brown and warm.

Soobin doesn’t answer, so Taehyun takes that chance to pull up his shirt by its hem and before he could even react with blushing, Taehyun gets to him first by saying, “There’s a big fat bruise staring right at me, and you’re telling me you’re not hurt?” 

“I’ll be fine, Taehyun-ah,” Soobin tries to breathe out. 

Taehyun pulls down his shirt, and lies next to him, the evening sky and the city lights that spread out beneath like fireflies the only ones giving the rooftop light. 

“Did you get into a fight again?” Taehyun asks him, eyes locked on the expanse of space they’re allowed to see. 

Soobin closes his eyes, “Maybe.” 

“You’re not gonna tell me what happened anyway, so I’m gonna stop asking now,” Taehyun sighs, “But seriously, stop getting yourself into unnecessary trouble. You keep making me worried.” 

“I never asked you to worry about me.” 

“You don’t have to. I care about you enough to worry about you on my own.” 

Soobin isn’t sure if he’s still breathing. Taehyun always has this kind of effect on him. Words as simple as these and little actions such as his hand brushing past his own are enough to send sparks down his system. 

While the whole world makes him feel dead inside, Taehyun makes him feel vibrantly alive. 

“What did you want to tell me?” Soobin croaks out, trying to stir off the conversation, just so Taehyun won’t notice how flushed his face has gotten. “You said it was something important.” 

Taehyun takes a deep breath, and Soobin notices his hesitation. “I wanted to ask your opinion on something.” 

“I thought you didn’t need my opinion on anything,” Soobin jokes to lighten up the tension. 

“Opinion on fashion. I meant fashion! Your entire wardrobe is a travesty. Don’t get me started on those ugly hats—“ 

“Okay, okay,” Soobin laughs. “Enough about my taste in clothes. You were saying?” 

“Oh, right. So, uh…what do you think of,” Taehyun gulps, hesitates for another second before he continues, “…boys kissing boys.” 

“What.” 

“I said it already! I’m not saying it again!” Taehyun looks away, and Soobin catches the red glow of the tips of his ears. 

“Boys kissing boys…I’m cool with it,” Soobin answers nonchalantly. 

“Really?” Taehyun turns to him in surprise. 

“You’re seriously asking a gay dude this question?” Soobin tries to joke, but he knows he’s taking a risk. 

Taehyun never said he likes boys too. He never said anything about boys liking boys too. What if he isn’t okay with it? What if he was here to tell Soobin he saw two boys kissing and that he wasn’t okay with it? What if he wasn’t okay with Soobin liking boys? What if he never talks to Soobin ever again after this? 

It’s a risk, but Soobin had already taken it. He had left himself open to him. 

Taehyun continues to stare, not saying anything. The silence stretches between them, and when Soobin feels like he could no longer bear with it, he asks him, “What brought that question on?” 

“I saw Yeonjun hyung kiss Beomgyu hyung.” 

“Yeonjun hyung always kisses Beomgyu on the cheek.” 

“No, not on the cheek. Here!” Taehyun points at his lips, and Soobin has to will himself not to look at them longer than necessary. “I saw them earlier.” 

It honestly doesn’t surprise Soobin. He knows about Beomgyu liking Yeonjun, and with how Yeonjun is around him, Soobin is sure he also feels the same way. 

“What do you think about it then?” Soobin asks him this time, eyes not leaving Taehyun who is staring right back at him. “Of Yeonjun hyung kissing Beomgyu? Of two boys who like each other kissing?” 

“I’m honestly happy for them,” Taehyun says, “I’m glad they have each other.” 

“But this isn’t the only thing you wanted to tell me, right?” 

“No…” 

“Of course,” Soobin laughs a little. 

“Soobin hyung,” Taehyun calls out, barely audible like he’s afraid to ask, “have you had your first kiss yet?” 

_No._ “Yes,” he lies and Soobin doesn’t even know why. It just slips out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

“Oh, okay, because I didn’t wanna ask you this if you haven’t had it yet since a first kiss should be special and I don’t wanna ruin that for you and—“ 

“Taehyun, breathe,” Soobin reminds him, so he lets out a deep breath. “Why’d you ask?” 

“Because,” a momentary pause before Taehyun tilts his head to the side, like he’s afraid to look at him in the eye. “I wanted to ask you to kiss me because I wanted to know if I would like it.” 

Soobin’s head blanks out completely. He swears he hears something explode inside his brain.

“I’m not gonna force you if you don’t want to, okay! You can say no if you don’t want to! I just wanted to know what it’s like—“ 

“To kiss a boy,” Soobin continues. 

“To kiss anybody,” Taehyun says. “Because I want my first real kiss to be magical and I don’t want to fuck it up. Who knows, I might not actually be a good kisser and they won’t ever talk to me again afterwards.” 

“First real kiss?” Soobin couldn’t help but repeat. 

Taehyun purses his lips together, “If you agree, I won’t count it as my first kiss, okay? This is like a trial test, and not the real thing. No feelings attached.” 

“Oh,” Soobin takes in a deep breath. “Okay.”

“What?” Taehyun stares at him wide-eyed, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but Soobin’s just as in disbelief too. 

Because here was the boy who he has liked for almost half of his life asking him if it was okay to kiss him, him out of everyone else that he could’ve asked. Even when he told him this wouldn’t count. Even when Taehyun said this kiss wouldn’t matter. 

“I’m okay with it,” Soobin repeats slowly. “No feelings attached right?” he asks again even when he knows it’s a little too late for that. He will have every pint of feelings he has for Kang Taehyun spilling all over like a dam. 

“Yeah. No feelings attached.” 

“Okay.” 

Soobin sits up, and Taehyun does too. They don’t say anything for a while, only the honking of the cars on the busy streets, the strong gush of wind and the deafening silence engulfing them. 

Then Soobin’s turning towards Taehyun, and he does the same too. Soobin is leaning in. His mind is blanking out, and his hands are clammy as fuck, but he’s leaning in and Taehyun’s lips are just an inch away from his and he’s having a hard time breathing that he feels like he’s gonna pass out soon. 

But Taehyun whispers softly, “Hyung, just do it.” 

So Soobin does. He leans in and his lips are now on Taehyun’s, soft and sweet and everything Soobin had always imagined them to be. 

He’s kissing him, and Soobin feels like he’s slowly losing air but he feels Taehyun stiffen.

Soobin thinks that that was it, Taehyun doesn’t like it, but he feels his hand search for Soobin’s own, and now he’s intertwining their fingers together just when Soobin opens his eyes and sees that Taehyun’s had been closed this entire time. 

And then Taehyun’s kissing him back and pulling him closer. Soobin tries to stop the corners of his lips from curling up. 

He’s the first to break away, breathing heavily. Taehyun looks at him with an expression he can’t quite put a name to, but Soobin catches the way his cheeks are flushed pink and how he’s biting down on his lower lip. 

“Can we do that again?”

Soobin is eighteen and wonders about the moon.

He wonders if the moon would love to see the stars with him on another beautiful evening and kiss him under them again.

(Taehyun doesn’t talk about the kiss after that night. He doesn’t talk to Soobin for a good few days, until he comes up to him one day and tells him about that one cute guy in his class that he seems to have a crush on. Soobin tries to just laugh it off and tease him about it, like what a friend would do. Because that's what he is, that's what they are. 

But Soobin has been tossing and turning in his sleep every night since then, because he can’t stop thinking of Taehyun’s lips on his and how everything that night just felt so, _so_ right. 

Soobin doesn’t talk to him about the kiss either. He also doesn’t talk to him about his classmates ganging up on him every after class, and beating him up behind the school, because a boy who likes boys is a dead boy. Soobin tries to accept that that’s just how it is. Because Soobin likes Taehyun, and he won’t ever deny that.

_But does a moon as beautiful as him deserve a rogue planet when he could have Jupiter to himself?_

The film still plays in his head. Soobin patiently waits for it to end.) 

  
  
  


Soobin is twenty and dreams of the moon even if it takes forever.

He’s here, in front of him, face etched in worry but still so unbelievably breathtaking. He’s watching him. He is always watching him, big brown eyes forever warm.

Taehyun presses a cotton ball on the ugly cut by the corner of his lips.

“Ouch,” Soobin hisses, but Taehyun just rolls his eyes and presses it even harder. 

“Yeah, relish the pain. It’s what you deserve,” Taehyun shoots back as he leans forward to put a bandaid on Soobin’s wound. “Seriously, why do you keep getting hurt? You clean a fucking gym for a living. Why do you always look like someone mugged you while you were scrubbing off the toilets.” 

Kai had told him that they had gotten into a fight while playing billiards, and it went overboard considering Beomgyu’s hand was already in a cast when Taehyun came to the gym and Yeonjun is still talking to a few cops outside. 

“We didn’t start it, okay?” Soobin pouts while pressing an icebag on his swollen cheek, his words slightly muffled. “They were being assholes.” 

“You can’t even throw an uppercut right to save your life for fuck’s sake,” Taehyun reprimands while wrapping his hand with dressing. “Why do you keep on meddling?” 

“Well, I couldn’t just _watch_ them,” Soobin reasons. Taehyun sighs as he closes the first aid kit that he had brought along with him. 

“I’m not gonna tell you to stop fighting since you still won’t listen to me, and you’re friends with Beomgyu too, so there’s that.” 

“It’s not like I keep getting into fights often—“ 

“You were caught up in a fight just three days ago, and a few days before that too, for God knows what reason. What do you mean it isn’t often?” 

If it was anyone else, Soobin would be mad right now. It’s not like he chose to get pulled into a fight he really doesn’t even wanna be in. He has learned through years of experience that there will always be people that won’t be able to let go, people who will call you names that aren’t yours and people who will look at you like they want you dead. 

It will always be a matter of eat or be eaten. Soobin is tired of getting chewed up. The film is still rolling, and Soobin can’t wait for it to end.

But the one nagging him now is Taehyun, and Soobin just can’t stop thinking about how cute he is whenever he’s mad at him like this. The adorable way his forehead creases and the pout that even he doesn’t seem to notice he’s been making—Soobin just wants to kiss the heck out of him. 

But Soobin is afraid of his own feelings, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever have the guts to tell him. Because Soobin knows himself that he is a mess, and Taehyun’s too beautiful for his own good that Soobin thinks he's just not good enough to have him. 

_Why choose a rogue planet when you can have Jupiter?_

“Soobin hyung, are you even listening?” Taehyun snaps his fingers in front of him.

Soobin blinks at him, “Oh, uh, I’m sorry.” 

“You keep on zoning out. You’re worrying me,” Taehyun tells him. “I said I’m going to the convenience store to buy more ice. Do you need anything?” 

“Money.” 

“I should’ve known not to ask you,” Taehyun rolls his eyes. He turns to Beomgyu and Kai who are busy mending their own wounds and asks them instead, the two enthusiastically replying back with different names of snacks. Taehyun shifts his gaze back to Soobin, “I’ll be back soon. Keep that icebag on your face ‘til I’m back.” 

“I’ll go with you—“ 

“Uh, no. You stay here and take care of yourself,” Taehyun frowns. “Don’t worry. I won’t take long. The convenience store is just a block away.” 

“Hurry, okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be back,” Taehyun smiles at him. 

But it’s been almost an hour and there is still no sign of Taehyun anywhere. 

“Soobinie,” Beomgyu calls out worriedly. Kai turns to him with the same expression. 

“It’s late. I think we should start look—“ 

“Fuck,” Soobin exhales angrily, and grabs a coat before hurriedly dashing outside, before the both of them could even ask him to wait for them too. 

It’s almost two in the morning, and the streets are already quiet at this time of the night, which makes it even worse. All Soobin is seeing now is red. Taehyun isn’t the type to not tell them, _him_ , he would be out for this long, so Soobin is sure something must have gone terribly wrong. 

He searches through every alleyway near the convenience store, and feels like punching a brick wall every time he doesn’t come across a trace of Taehyun. 

Taehyun is nowhere to be seen, and Soobin feels like blaming himself now. He shouldn’t have let him go out on his own. He shouldn’t have listened to Taehyun this time. 

A familiar wave of fear courses through him, and he finds himself shaking. 

Soobin stops dreaming of space but he hasn’t forgotten what it looks like.

Pitch-black. His rocketship running out of fuel, breaking apart. A blackhole.

Soobin is tired of endlessly drifting inside a blackhole, over and over and over.

He can’t risk losing anybody else. He can’t risk losing more of the people he loves. He can’t lose Taehyun. He can’t lose the only person who has kept him rooted on the ground. 

Without Taehyun, Soobin knows he’s going back, into that space. Into that years-long dark night. The blackhole would come back for him, opening up even more. He would break, and crumble, and everything else would no longer hold any meaning. He’s become so dependent on Taehyun, that it frightens and amazes him at the same time. 

Without Taehyun, Soobin would be lost. Rogue planets don’t orbit over a star. They only have their one singular moon. It’s their only reservoir of life.

The next alley is darker than the rest. Soobin doesn’t sense any movement, so he was about to just run past it but then he hears the sound of garbage cans toppling down and a scream. 

“Soobin hyung!” 

_“Shut up, you piece of shit,”_ Soobin hears afterwards and the sound of a punch and a body falling into the ground follows. 

Before he could even brace himself, Soobin is already running towards the sound, fist immediately colliding into flesh. The broken streetlight gives them a bit of illumination, but it was enough for Soobin to see the man spitting blood onto the concrete and Taehyun slowly trying to get back up but is struggling. Soobin quickly moves towards him. 

“What the hell happened?” he asks him, both hands cupping Taehyun’s face. He sees the cut by his lip and the bruises near his eyes, and all Soobin feels right now is rage and anger because how dare they lay their filthy hands on Taehyun. 

“That guy…he tried to mug me and I stupidly fought back,” Taehyun says before hissing in pain as he grips onto his side. 

Soobin is sure he has broken a rib, the man had clearly hit him a lot considering just how bruised and beaten Taehyun looks even with the dim lighting. 

He hears the asshole cursing and slowly trying to get back up on his feet. He immediately turns to Taehyun. “Can you stand up? Can you run away from here as far as you can?”

Taehyun shakes his head, “I can’t move my leg. I twisted my ankle earlier,” and then he turns to him, eyes pleading. “And I can’t just leave you here.” 

“What the _fuck_ is this? Are you playing Romeo and Juliet in front of my face now?” The robber points a finger on Soobin as he steps forward, towards him slowly, teeth filled with blood. “Is this your fucking boyfriend? You fucking scum _disgust_ me. Listen kid, if you don’t want to die, I suggest you—“ 

Soobin throws a punch square on the man’s face, one after another until the man falls onto the ground and he only stops when he finds him unconscious. 

He knows he had overdone it, the man’s blood covering his fists a proof of that. 

_So this is the kind of monster I would’ve been if I hadn’t met Taehyun_ , he chuckles bitterly into the air. 

Soobin turns to him, and Taehyun’s looking at him wide-eyed. He smiles sadly at him. He had done it.

Taehyun, too, is now looking at him like the monster that he really is. He is scared of him now and it’s all Soobin’s fault. He can’t even blame the fucking asshole that had fainted on the concrete alleyway, because it was entirely his doing. 

But it catches him off-guard when Taehyun suddenly tears up and says, “You fucking idiot, what if he had pulled out that knife on you? I couldn’t fight him earlier because he was holding a knife against me. What if he had the chance to stab you with that? What the _fuck_ was I supposed to do if you had died then?”

Taehyun was sobbing hard now, and Soobin immediately crouches down to wipe his tears. “Hey, hey, I’m alright, Taehyun-ah. I’m not hurt, please stop crying.” 

“You keep making me worried,” Taehyun tries to say, his voice broken. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Soobin whispers. He places a hand on the side of Taehyun’s face, a purple mark spreading like a painting. “Does it still hurt?” 

“Like a bitch.” 

Soobin chuckles, despite the situation. Still crouching, he turns his back on him. 

“Hop on. I’ll carry you home.” 

“But your back…didn’t you hit it bad when you were fighting by that billiard place. Beomgyu hyung told me.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Soobin insists. “It doesn’t hurt that much now. Come on, you can’t walk and I won’t let you walk in this condition.” 

“….okay,” Taehyun replies before climbing on to Soobin’s back, arms wrapped on his shoulder. “Am I not heavy?” 

Soobin walks out of the dark alley, “Light as a feather, don’t worry.” 

Soobin is twenty, and dreams of the moon.

It’s probably three in the morning now. He has lost track of time. The sky is still an inky canvas, and a few stars still dot it. They were still a few meters away from home.

Taehyun buries his face on the width of Soobin’s back, “I’m sorry for making you worried.” 

“Guess we’re even now,” Soobin simply says. “I’m sorry for always causing trouble too.” 

“You wouldn’t be the Soobin hyung I know if you don’t give me trouble,” Soobin can hear the smile in Taehyun’s words. He finds himself smiling too. 

“This is déjà vu,” Soobin says as he looks up onto the sky. 

It looks like the same as the one he had seen on his first stay in the church’s orphanage. On the night he first met Taehyun, eight years ago. 

Taehyun closes his eyes and leans on Soobin’s back, “Yeah, you carried me back inside like this too, because I tripped and scraped my knee when we were playing. Because I wouldn’t let go of your hand.” 

“Yeah,” Soobin says back in a whisper, the memory dancing in his head. 

“Soobin hyung,” Taehyun calls, and he answers back with a hum, “I’m not scared of you. I could never be scared you, so don’t ever think about that even for a moment.” 

Soobin can’t help the soft smile making its way on his lips. Taehyun always knows what’s bothering him even without him saying it. “Thank you, Taehyun-ah. You’re always so good to me.” 

“And don’t listen to them. You’re not a monster,” Taehyun continues. “You’re Choi Soobin. You’re this beautiful person with a beautiful heart, who’s always there to listen to anything I say and is always there to protect me even without me asking. You're always there for me when I need you.” 

_I’m not. That's you—_

“You’re a good person, hyung, and you mean a lot to me. You're worth every night of waiting up late for you to come home just to mend your wounds. You're worth every drop of worry I had spent over you. You're worth everything, Soobin hyung. I hope you always keep that in mind.” 

It’s this side of him that had Soobin wrapped around his finger, pulling him down like gravity.

Soobin is a rogue planet, and Taehyun is his moon. He could’ve chosen Jupiter but he stays.

Rogue planets fall off the solar system because they’re not good enough to stay, but Taehyun stays with him. Taehyun still finds something good in him, something worth appreciating. Something worth loving.

Soobin is twenty, and he dreams of the moon forever because he can. Because Taehyun is here, and he stays.

"Taehyun-ah," Soobin calls out softly. The air is cold and thick, but Soobin feels warm inside. 

"What is it?" 

"I," _love you, more than you'll ever know_ , he thinks but those words get caught up in his throat. 

_Not yet. Not yet._ The film rolls, still, but he’s almost by the end of it.

Instead, he tells him, "I'm glad to have met you." 

"I'm glad I met you too." 

The stars are a million dots in the sky, like they called all their friends for a special occasion. He feels Taehyun’s head lean in more, warm.

“Let’s go see the stars tomorrow as well, hyung.”

  
  


Soobin is twenty, and he falls in love. Has fallen in love over the years. Soobin is a rogue planet who doesn’t orbit around a star, but he has a moon that orbits around him.

Rogue planets are lonely worlds who drift away, wandering into space, but they always have the moon to come home to.

Soobin is a rogue planet and Taehyun is the moon. Taehyun is home.

(It’s still pitch-black sometimes when he closes his eyes. He still hears them in his head, once, twice.

The film still shows him memories, the bad ones, dark and horrible, but they’re less haunting now. The film still rolls, but Soobin is willing to wait for it to end. He wants to see it through the end.

He wants to think that one day, he’ll see the end of the never-ending long night. One day, he would look at the mirror and not see a monster staring back at him. One day, he will feel that everything is finally alright, that he finally feels okay. 

And when that day comes, he can finally tell Taehyun how much he loves him, but Soobin thinks for now, he's content with just this. Taehyun deserves Jupiter, and Soobin is a rogue planet who is more than willing to give him love more than that size.

But he should learn how to love himself first before anything else, and maybe then and maybe when he's got himself a good-paying job and he has stopped getting into fights and has something he can truly be proud of, he could finally say the words he's been holding back all these years.

One day, Soobin will dream of space again, no rocketship but the moon is in his hands. The stars are beautiful and bright.)

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed reading!!
> 
> \+ [twt](https://twitter.com/dreaminglows) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/rogueplanets)


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